Have you ever wondered....
by Geppe
Summary: okay imagain your favorite H.P. people... now! Imagine the things you would never believe they could say!
1. Wonderings

Things you'll never Harry Potter People Say:   


1. Draco: I love you. 

2. Harry: The scars just a scrach'n'sniff sticker. 

3. Hagrid: Burn the plants! Kill the animals! 

4. Dumbledore: Damn this beard. 

5. Snape: Mommy, he hit me. 

6. Voldemort: Does this color match my eyes? 

7. Hermonie: I hate studying! I hate school! And I hate You! 

8. Lilly and James: Take the kid we don't want him. 

9. Crabbie and Goyle: We have I.Q.'s of 710. 

10. Draco: *smirk* How many licks does it take to get to the center... 

11. Harry: I think I need contacts, these glasses are giving me a rash. 

12. Black: Woof! Woof! 

13. Voldemort: I'm not Gay! How many times do I have to tell you people that! I'm evil, I'm sadistic, I'm a down right not nice person, but I'm not Gay! yet... 

14. Hermonie: You have a nice @$$ professor McGonagall! 

15. Snape: Dumbledore will you marry me? 

16. Hagrid: I got "some"! 

17. Harry: This isn't a scar, I got this tattoo at a wore house a few years back! 

18. Harry: Back that @$$ up, your a big fine woman, Hermonie, now won't you back that @$$ up! 

19. Harry *thinking*: Damn Draco's just got the cutest @$$...I wonder if he'd ever let me... 

20. Hagrid *crying*: I'm "little". 

21. Voldemort: I'm a little tea pot short and stout... 

22. Lucius Malfoy: I confess. I want the Dark Lord as my lover. 

24. Draco: I had a traumatic childhood, *snif sniff* 

25. Weasley twins: That's it! We'll never put off another stink bomb, joke wand, canary cakes, etc., ect... 

26. McGonagall: I'm a Barbie girl... 

27. Ron: I'm in the money! 

28. Harry: I just joined the young "AA" meetings. 

29. Voldemort: Love me! 

30. Hagrid: Awwwww, look at the bunny...shoot it! 

31. Snape: The hills are alive!!! Ahhh dear God the hills are alive! Run! 

32. Hermonie: I've gone lesbo! 

33. Neville: Look I got my nipple pierced. 

34. Percy: I'm a pimp. Neville get your sweet @$$ back here and give me some sugar. 

35. Harry: I just had my first "b.j", but I can't get the taste outta my mouth! 

36. Draco: I am not a dumb blonde! *sniff sniff* Oh! You want to what?! Okay sure thing, Harry, but why do I have to put my face in your lap? 

37. Wormtail: hey, my "tail's hairy! 

38. Ron: Oh look, "it's" finally growing...oops, that was just a strap-on. 

39. Hermonie: Get it out it hurts!   
Ron: Well hold still!   
Harry: Damn that thing's big.   
Ron: Be careful will ya or it'll break off!   
*Hermonie has a splinter stuck in her hand* 

40. Lilly Potter: I should have used birth control when I had the chance. 

41. Harry: I need to get laid. 

42. Crabbie: I love you Goylie-oliy.   
Goyle: I wuv you too Crabbie-wabbie. 

43. Ginny: I'm a slut! 

44. Harry: I be pimpin' dem hoes! 

45. Scabbers: I used to be a cute lil' squirrel, that is before all the hair fell off my tail! 

46. McGonagall: I confess! I was impregnated my Dumbledore. 

47. J.K. Rowling: I made you and I can break you too! Now get back in your bloody goddamned books! 

48. Hagrid: Harry is my reincarnated lover! 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   
New stuff starts here!   
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

49. Flur and Draco: we are not dumb blondes!   
We're knot! We're knot! We're knot! 

50. Neville: [beeep] you! Get your [beeeeep] out of my face you stupid mother [beeeeeeppppp-ing] [beep!] 

51. Voldi: *sniff* can't we all just get along...   
  
52. Trevor the toad: you know Neville, I hate to complain, but IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE NOTICED ONCE IN A WHILE! 

53. Ron: okay! fine, I'll admit it, I've been prostituting for money, are you happy?! 

54. The weasley kids: So the hair's dyed. What? you didn't know? You think that this was actually a natural color! HA! 

55. Dudley: All hail Slim Fast! 

56. Remus and Siruis: Flea powder! Flea powder! The kingdom for some flea powder! 


	2. More wonderings

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry. Don't own Draco. Don't own anybody! Don't own! Don't SUE! please.... 

Authors Notes: ^_^ well since I got a coupla good reviews from the first part, I decided, 'Hey, why not keep going with the thing!' probably not as funny as the first but I make due with what things I can come up with. And please be kind when reviewing, I try not to put anything offensicive in these things...ah, I'm talking too much now, skip the rest of this...   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
(picking up where the first part left off...) 

57. J.K Rowling: *stars at H.P.action figures* Dear God those things are scary...*Shudders* (ever notice how weird H.P. action figures look?) 

58. James: should used a rubber when I had the chance. 

59. Dementor: Do you know how hard it is to get a date dressed like this?! The dark cloak thing went out with Charlse Manson. 

60. Draco: Whatdaya mean you bleached my hair when I was five?! 

61. Ron: You know, I never really noticed how much fun playing connect-the-dots with freckles is... 

62. Dementor: Kissy! Kissy! *smooch* 

63. Ginny: *siiigh* Harry just isn't cutting it any more.... 

64. Lucius: Heeelp! The paranoids are out to get me!!!! 

65. Lucius: *looks at Draco* You shoulda got spanked more. 

66. Duddly: 1-800-555-Jenny! 

67. Neville: I always did have anger issues.... 

68. Voldemort: Dang it! Quit stealin' my bunny slippers. 

69. Scabbers: Moo. 

70. McGonagall: *gasp* A gray hair!!! 

71. Dumbledore: It looks so natural; no one can tell with just for men... 

72. Percy: Ah, yea, I just love em' and leave em'...   
Neville: WHAT?!  
  
73. Vernon Dursley: I'm irressistable! 

74. Lucius: *walks in and catches Draco putting on make-up* Oh hell, I knew it was hereditary... 

75. Hermonie: Well, of course, they're real!  
Ginny: nuh-uh! they're too big to be real!   
Hermonie: look I don't have false nails alright! 

76. Harry: Sheezz, no wonder I don't get a date, the 'tape on the glasses' look went out years ago... 

(okie...I've run out of inspiration...more on the next update...) 


	3. Wonders never cease

Author(s): Geppe w/ Candymann   
Rating: what the hell do you think? Do you think this is a f***ing kids fic?! You f***ing morons! You should all get F***ed! (R-ish)   
Notes: We have none.   
Disclaimer: Well...if we were rich enough to get a publishing deal we wouldn't be doing this, now would we? This means we're POOR! Sue us all you want! All you'll get is a gum collection and pocket lint...and maybe a blow up doll from Candymann! Candymann: HEY! Leave 'Cindy' out of this!   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   


77. Draco: Harry? Why are you in my bed? Are you naked? Are you wearing a bra?! 

78. Voldemort: PETER!! I want something white and liquidy. Get me a glass of milk! 

79. Dudley: *Over doses on Metabo-life* feel the fat melt....feel the fat melt.... 

80. Krum: I alvays vanted to be a ballerina! 

81. Harry: *sees Hagrid and Fang in beastillity act* Dear God! *shoves hot poker into eyes* 

82. Dobby: *begins to get a lil' to comfy w/ that tea cosy* Dobby likes tea cosy!!! *insert heavy breathing* 

83. McGonagall: Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time... 

84. *If Snape were @ a karaokie party, what would he sing?*   
Snape: O! I like big butts and I can not lie, and dumbledore can't deny.....   
*Can't continue for fear of damaging psyche more than already possible* 

85. Fleur: Iz true! Iz true! My muzzer was a prostitute and my fazzer was a gay rodeo clown! *breaks down into sobs* 

86. Snape: You go, girl!   
Draco: Like, totally!   
Harry: That's da bomb!   
Hermione: SHUT UP YOU FREAKS! 

87. Hermione: I got an A-! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *stabs herself with a pencil* 

88. Ron: I confess...my freckles were surgically implanted... 

89. Maxime: Nasty...Nasty half-giant boys... 

90. Harry: *takes giant puff off joint* Duuuuude the colors...man, look at all my fingers! Wow, why am I so hungry?   
*goes on eating binge and gains 50lbs.* 

91. Fawkes: Polly want a cracker! 

92. Cedric: Harry, bring my body to my parents. Harry... What are doing? Stop that! Harry! That orifice was not meant to be plugged with that!! 

93. Lupin: *goes through werewolf heat*   
*begins wildly humping Black's leg*   
Black: Oh damn it, not again... 

94. Prof. Sprout: Today were going to burn all of the plants. I trust you brought your flamethrowers. Neville! That's not a plant! That's Hermione!   
Neville: Whoops! It was an....accident. heh heh *to himself* Stupid smart-ass whore! Burn in hell! 

95. Draco: *walks into whore house*   
Harry *the one-legged prostitute*: Looking for some fun, big boy...? 

96. Mr. Fudge: I'm tasty and satisfying! 

97. Dobby: *runs off with the Pilsbury Doughboy* I found my first true love!   
Winky: I want a boyfriend *breaks down in tears* *sees Hermione* Never mind I've gone lesbian. 

98. Voldemort *asked to be replacement on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood*: *reads script* My God! And they called me evil! *shudders* 

99.Lucius: *shows up at death eater head quarters dressed as Oreo cookie(white fudge)* EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME!   
Death Eaters: Here we go again! 

100. Neville: If I only had a brain... 

101.Ron: My mother's sweaters are possesed and out to eat me!   
Harry: Okay Ron! Let's take a walk to the happy house! 

102. Frodo: Harry! Get the hell away from me! Stop stalking me!   
Harry: But your my precious! 

103. Dudley: *confesses soul on Dr.Phil (LIVE! FROM LAS VEGAS)* 

104. Dudley: Give me lipo or give me death! 

105. *VH1's Where are the HP characters now?*   
Harry: *porn star* Scars are sexy!   
Ron: *Columbian drug lord* Sweet cocaina!   
Hermione: *nun* Magic is the work of Satan!! I love Jesus now!   
Ginny: *stripper* Give me a $20 for lap dancing!   
Draco: *what do you think?* I work with the famous Harry Potter! He thinks he's so great just because he's sexier than me!   
Colin: *makes porn movies staring Harry and Draco*   
Dumbledore: *died from arsenic poisoning*   
McGonagall: *millionaire from Dumbledore's fortune* I didn't do it!   
Snape: *gets rich from selling Hogwarts and retires in the Bahamas* Ahhh... This is the life! But something's missing! I need someone to glare at! I need Harry!!!*rents adult video starring Harry* Ahhh... That's better!   
Hagrid: *circus freak* What? There's no more cotton candy! I...NEED...MORE...COTTON..CANDY! *goes into homicidal rage killing milions of people* *breaks down into seizure* 


End file.
